“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
“If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?”
“Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.”
“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”